Have You Told That Story Yet?

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”  Maya Angelou

“You don’t get to make up most of your story. But you get to make peace with it.” Ann Voskamp

My son Brandt has officially discovered that the world is his playground.  He is one happy toddler boy.  The problem comes in that he sometimes wants to do more than his body is coordinated to accomplish.  Which means he falls over while walking.  Or the toy he is banging against his father’s leg accidentally strikes him in the head.

“Bonkers!”  That’s been my word for when he gets hurt.  My comic book sound effect.  Cute, right?

I say it to him as I pick him up and make sure he’s really okay.  Most of the time it just scares him and he’s fine.  So I set him down and then he does this really curious thing.  He walks over to where he hit his head and slowly bumps his head in the same spot on the wall or the floor.  Or if it was a toy, he picks up the toy and slowly re-hits himself. And then he looks up at me to see that I’m watching and understanding.

He did it just the other night when we were out to eat with friends.  Somehow in the shuffle of bringing tables together, he got his hand pinched.  Not a bad pinch thankfully.  But for the next few minutes, he kept sticking his hand back in the crack and holding his hand up for me to kiss it.  Saying, “Ouch… Ouch… Ouch…”  We repeated this reenactment several times.  And then he was okay.  Back to putting stickers on the table.

Its an absolutely fascinating ritual.

And I realize he does this to work through the pain of what just happened.  Its how he tells his story.  And its his little ceremony for getting over the fear.  He’s testing his world again to make sure its safe.  He’s getting his courage back.

No one taught him this.  We teach him a lot of other things: how to eat with a spoon, how to walk, how to speak english.  But this one is just innate.  Instinct, I guess we’d say.  His heart is wired to return to the places he was hurt and work through them.

Do you do this?  Okay, not the bumping your head ritual.  But do you honor your pain enough to revisit the places you’ve been hurt?  Have you told the hard and painful stories of your life and worked through them enough to get your courage back?

If its instinct, most of us have lost it along the way.  At some point, we get this terrible notion that we need to just keep going.  Everything becomes spilled milk and almost nothing is worth crying about anymore.  Life takes on a pace that we get used to and its just easier to let the momentum keep us going on and on.  Who has time to sit around and feel bad for themselves? If we aren’t bleeding we must be fine.

This is the kind of thing we tell ourselves.  And worse, tell each other.

I get asked a lot, “Why do I need to talk about this?  It happened so long ago.”  And I usually don’t know what to say because it seems so obvious from where I sit looking in on a person’s story. You go back because your heart got stuck somewhere.  You never worked it through enough to get rid of your pain or fear or heartache.  You never told your story.  And so you never got your courage back.

Often our stories fade into the unremembered fog of so many yesterdays.  We just try and forget them.  And then we forget what we’ve forgotten.  But Evil never forgets.  And if we never take the time to interpret what happened, then Evil will do that for us in the form of accusation.  Evil loves secrets and silence because then it can narrate for us.

I sat with a man yesterday who told me a story he has been ashamed to talk about for five years.  Five years ago he was injured in an accident at work.  The ladder he was standing on slipped and he hit the ground hard.  His buddies got him help right away.  Thankfully, he only shattered his arm.  And was able to get back to work in a short amount of time.  So everyone sighed in relief for him, seeing it as such a good ending to what might have gone terribly worse.

But his heart had not healed.  No one knew that when he fell twenty feet he thought he was a dead man.  The memory of the ladder slipping and the fear of life being over had haunted him like unseen ghosts ever since. That moment started him down a really slippery slope depression.  He gave up his passions, like hiking and running.  He stopped going to church.  His wife could barely touch him without his anger boiling over.  He just wanted to be left alone.

Oh, of course, not really.

“I haven’t talked about this with anyone.  I feel so embarrassed to admit all this.  I feel so stupid.  It was only five minutes of my life. Why can’t I just forget about it and move on.”

But then the tears came.  And kept coming.  He sat and wept on the couch.  He finally let all that fear come to the surface and find its way out.  It was powerful.  A holy moment.  I sat with tears in my own eyes for him.  And in the tears and the truth we could so much more easily hear where Evil had been accusing him, lying to him, offering its own twist on reality.  It made all the difference.

I asked him how he was doing at the end of our session. “I feel about 30 pounds lighter now.  I had no idea this was all still sitting in my chest.”  Of course his healing is not totally over.  But so much of his heart came back.  His face was different when walked out of my office.  All this for telling a story he had been trying to forget.

So what stories have you never told anyone?  Where have you lost your courage to live?  Its time to get your heart back.

About Sam

I am a counselor and writer who helps people get life back. I offer counseling for individuals and couples in Colorado Springs CO. And I write on men's issues, healthy sexuality, relationships and personal growth.

  • http://www.facebook.com/martha.a.petersen Martha Anton Petersen

    Totally awesome!!! LOVE this! I think I’ll need to share this many times. What a great answer to an age old question- why go back? You are rocking this blog!

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      Martha, thank you! Your endorsement is a big one for me. You know this stuff, live this stuff. And you have a good BS detector :) So thank you, sister!!

  • Sallie

    Thank you, Sam, for being one who knows, who sits and listens, and who offers the Father’s tears and hope.

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      Well, in the spirit of your affirmation, thank YOU Sallie for being one who blesses so well! You are a generous woman with your words.

  • Becky Allender

    I loved reading this Sam. Beautifully written. Brought tears to my eyes for this man, for your work, and for the sorrow that is in each human being. Way to go, Sam, and what a brillian son you have.

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      Thank you Becky! And for stopping by my blog. Its fun to connect with you here. Yes, my son is such a remarkable little guy. And that’s totally not a biased opinion.

  • Jan Proett

    I get happy when I see that you’ve written a new blog post. This one is superb. Brandt as our leader into courage, with his dad clearly articulating the way – I love it. Keep living, guiding and writing, Sam. We love it; and we need your clarity.

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      Jan, thank you. Brandt does lead me into a lot, which is so good. He’s raising a parent. Or maybe God’s doing the raising. Either way, I’m growing up. And I will keep writing… don’t think I’ll be able to stop anymore. And I am pumped for your new book here soon. Just ecstatic that YOU are writing! We miss you down here.

  • http://twitter.com/MichaelDWarden Michael Warden

    Terrific story. And so true. Thanks Sam.

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      Thanks Michael! And thanks for stopping by.

  • Karen

    Powerful and compelling, as usual. Hopeful for the rebirth of courage…

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      Your courage is more present than you know. And, no, I did not get that from a fortune cookie.

  • Lane

    You are wise beyond your years. Thank you for spurring us on to wholeness and holiness of heart. Thanking God for you. Joyfully, Lane

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      Lane, that’s a compliment hard to receive. But I so appreciate it. I thank God for you too.

  • Rielynn

    wonderful and profound Sam. Really.

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      Thank you, Rie, thank you.

  • Terissa Miller

    Wow. Such a timely word from you…God is definitely repeating Himself in my life!

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      Very cool! I like that God used this to do that. Thanks for sharing.

  • http://www.voiceofjudah.com/ Mike Cory

    Wow, thanks Sam. A friend forwarded this to me and I shared it on my ministry’s FB page. We so need your message and our hearts made whole for the future. Thank you!

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      You are welcome, Mike! Thanks for stopping by and sharing. Good to meet you here.

  • Carolyn R Fugate

    Great insights, Sam!

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      Thanks Carolyn! And thanks for stopping by.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Youleson Dann Youle

    Wow, Sam-great post! Getting our courage back, revisiting our painful stories, telling those stories to get our heart back! So true and a great reminder. Thank-you!

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      You are so welcome Dann! Thanks for stopping by.

  • http://www.facebook.com/fidlerb Brian Fidler

    Sam, I love the post, man. Awesome stuff! Brandt’s way of “getting his heart back” is a beautiful picture of the process we must go through as well. Ah, I’m excited to be able to use that as a metaphor for my own clients! Thank you bro.

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      Thanks Brian! Flattered that my son gets to be known with your clients. I’m sure you’re daughter gets a lot of air time with them already.

  • Cat Van

    Sam, I don’t know you but read ur blog after Stasi posted. Then I kept
    Reading older blogs. Thank u. I’m on my own journey of healing from
    A childhood of abuse & years of underground self loathing, suicide,
    NSSI, & a boatload of religious bondage I picked up along the way
    From various hyper fundamental institutions. 1 thing I have puzzled
    Over is this “need” I seem to b having to verbally process the same
    Things over & over. Has felt childish. At ant rate, ur blog has shed
    Some clarity & I wanted to say thanks. Btw, ur blog on listening to
    Our bodies … I doubt u need my agreement but so true. Just true.
    Blessing

    • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

      Cat, way to take on your story and get your freedom back! Your question about telling our story over and over again made me smile because I’m blogging on that very thing. Hope to have it out soon. But in a nut shell I don’t believe its inherently childish. In fact, I would argue we NEED to tell our stories over and over to get the full ramifications and deeper healing. I’d encourage you to explore where else that childish feeling might actually be coming from. Thanks for sharing parts of your story here!

      • Cat Van

        Great!! Looking forward to that blog! What do u mean bout where the “childish label” might b coming from? That not just another form of diminishment? Or some other such crap from the enemy?

        • http://www.SamJolman.com/ Sam Jolman

          Those would be my guesses :)